of wanting and needing

I’ve heard that sometimes you don’t get you want but what you need.

While today may not have turned out exactly as I wanted, I think I got what I needed.

But first–today was supposed to be one of the most epic days of my life. We had big plans. Those big plans required a hella lot of luck, but Silvia and I have had some good luck recently. And we deserved this.

Here’s some background information required to truly understand the epicness that was supposed to be today. I’ll speak in peasant language and I promise it all relates back to my diagnosis at the end so bear with me.

If you remember, Silvia and I went to the EXO concert a few weeks ago. It was to introduce their new album, which came out last week and I may or may not have.

adding to my David Archuleta album, I now own two cds.

SM Entertainment however did something extremely cruel. They released 20 different copies of the same music. Two copies–a Chinese version and a Korean version–for every single member.

apparently going with a vampire/creepy protector concept. cliche much?

The EXO fans have an average age of 15,which is funny because  EXO are are between the ages of 21 and 26, and last time I checked that wasn’t legal but hey this is Korea I don’t know anything. Anyway they are extremely young and are rumored to have recently done some despicable things to raise money to buy all 20 albums (roughly $400).

a new level of dedication

What I’m trying to say is that EXO fans terrify me. They are like an amorphous throbbing mob of estrogen. And yet, Silvia and I were going to attempt to get into Music Core, where EXO was performing, and which was going to be like getting a flat screen on Black Friday. Except battling 15 year old thirsty girls (and boys) instead of middle aged women bloated with turkey and mashed potatoes.

But I’ve done Black Friday before. I’ve gotten screamed at by said middle aged women while rushing the line at Target at 4am and threatened to have the police called on me while being slammed into a wall by a cart. I got this. I’m terrified–but I got this.

A few weeks ago I got lost in Seoul for 11 hours. One of the reasons was because I went out to Ilsan, where Music Core is filmed. And it is very far away. Silvia, Maria (who was there for Miss A), and I decided to go up to Ilsan that night and sleep somewhere because we figured that’s what everyone else would be doing. According to reports, last week fans started lining up at 5:30am and the first train from Suwon doesn’t even leave until 5am. And it’s two hours away. However, we forgot to check the actual fanpage for this week, which was a big big mistake.

So we found a coffee shop open until 5am and I slept at the table while Silvia and Maria chatted. I had actually felt a little dizzy all day. My eyes were randomly blurring and I had a slight headache. It happened yesterday too. Actually, yesterday was really bad and I was extremely thirsty between every break. But neither time were as bad as the Day I Went to the Hospital. And I really didn’t want to go to the hospital again. I found that closing my eyes solved the problem, which was strange, but acceptable.

At 5:15 we decided to go to the building and check it out. Expecting to see camping fangirls, Black Friday status, we saw…no one. There may have been tumbleweeds blowing across for the action going on there. But–maybe it was just starting later. Yeah. So we walked in circles around the area, in 15 degree weather, for two hours. Yes two hours. And no one showed up.  No one.


Silvia had been kicking herself all night for not checking the website before leaving, so Maria and I offered to go and check a PC Bang, which is something I wanted to do in Korea anyway. For those who don’t know–PC bangs are 24 rooms of computers where teenage boys (and girls) spend hours playing Starcraft and other games for $1/hour. So Maria and I left and it was finally starting to get warm and we walked through a particularly sunny patch and my vision went wacko and everything started moving on its own will but I could still walk and we were almost there.

We took the elevator up and I couldn’t help but look at myself seeing as every wall was a floor to ceiling mirror. I got up close to see just how bad my mascara had smudged over night and noticed something weird. My irises–were gone. Being blue eyed, the black abyss of pupil was very obvious. I grabbed Maria and looked at her eyes–no her pupils were small. Seeing as we were in a mirror trick house of light–pupils should be small.

girl–look at my pupils

girl–holy–you should sit down

So we went into the PC bang and got two computers and started to get really dizzy from the sun patch and the trick elevator and Maria was like, “put your head down and close your eyes I’ll do this” so I stuffed my face in my adventure bag and felt a lot better. The owner was rather confused at why I would rent a computer only to sleep at but Maria was like, “she’s fine don’t worry about it,” and as foreigners he just accepted it.

Maria clicked around for a while and found the website. I asked, muffled with backpack, if she found anything. Yes. Yes she had. Guess what?

We were in the wrong place.

We had spent the night.

In a coffee shop.

In the wrong freaking city.

The irony here is just too beautiful. I went all the way out to Ilsan that day I got lost for 11 hours for the exact purpose of knowing where MBC was so we could line up for this show. But turns out there’s another MBC building much closer to Seoul. Most shows are filmed at the Ilsan location–but apparently not this one.

And that’s where everyone was. Silvia texted Maria around that moment saying that some girls had arrived and realized they were in the wrong place. They got in a taxi and left. Silvia left and came running to us.

Meanwhile I asked Maria to look up dilated pupils and dizziness on webmd.

She started running me through the symptoms.

Was my mouth dry? Actually yes. Especially yesterday.

Did I throw up? When I got out of the hospital–yeah I lost all my thin mint milk and couldn’t eat for hours.

Are you on drugs? No.

Are you drunk? No.

Do you have a tumor? No–and I know that for sure thanks to multiple brain scans.

When was the last time you drank water?



Girl you’re dehydrated. She got up and bought me a water bottle from the extremely confused bar man and told me to drink it so I did.

I drank the entire bottle in less than a minute. So then she got up and bought me another one.

And I drank that one too.

And then Silvia arrived and we talked about what we were going to do. According to the website, the girls could start lining up at 8 and it was already 8:30. No doubt there were girls who had camped there. There was no way we could get in. We had camped out at the wrong place. Maria told her everything about me and I suddenly felt better and I popped out of my backpack faster than Lazarus and I could see. Clearer than I had in days.

Me: Let’s go. I’m better.

Them: Are you sure? We should go home.

Me: No. Let’s just go see.

And really I was. It was like that feeling after puking everything in the world is just so glorious and you praise good health.

So we grabbed a cab who drove us to Digital Media City which is so extremely close to Seoul Station where we had gotten off the train last night before heading to Ilsan.

We listened for the fangirls and found them easy enough.

And the EXO ones were the easiest to spot.

These girls were insane.

There was a line of quiet ones holding 5+ albums all of them. They seemed to be anxious but it was probably more just excitement.

And then there was the hoard.

A mob of about 50 girls that just kept moving around together screaming and slapping and their feet looked like the blurred versions in cartoons where they all move together.

Silvia checked it out while Maria and I got some more water. Being out in the bright sun is not a pleasant experience for someone recovering from dilated pupils but they did look a lot better MUCH BETTER, in the bathroom mirror, since I had to keep deciding between having a full bladder and being able to see–which isn’t a fair decision.

We looked for the Miss A fans for a while for Maria, but then we looked it up and they had recorded at 7am.

We were kicking ourselves over and over for not checking the freaking internet. IF WE HAD USED THE INTERWEBZ WE COULD HAVE GONE. We could have had the epic day we wanted.

But in a much larger sense, perhaps this day was best for me, even though it sucked for Maria and Silvia. If all the mistakes we made had been successes, I would never have figured this out.

When I got the ER at the real hospital I had been on a drip in an ambulance and my eyes closed so it wasn’t as obvious, however I remember the nurse saying my blood pressure was high which is weird because usually doctors comment on it being low.

And why closing my eyes feels so much better–my poor pupils aren’t subjected to the light.

And why I feel dizzy in the morning because I haven’t drinken anything in 9 hours and at night..because I haven’t drinken anything for 9 hours.

I stand there and talk for 5 hours straight, with three 5 minute breaks and by 5 minutes I mean 3 minutes because we have to lead the kids out to their buses and change our materials and there’s really no time. But yesterday I was SO THIRSTY I was drinking water on every break but it was just a shot because I didn’t have time. And I remember thinking ‘what if I have freaking diabetes’ which kind of stressed me out. But then I remembered they took blood sugar and all those other tests at the hospital.

Another cause of dilated pupils is stress and while I haven’t been having stress in the traditional terms–I’ve been really happy actually–my body is probably still adjusting. And I do experience a fight or flight rush every day when I head into my Nina class. I’m only partially kidding about that.

abort abort abort

Anyway mom don’t worry. This entire thing is because I am dehydrated. And I am going to take a water bottle to every class. I’ve been drinking all day and my vision has improved and everything is better than in days. I’ll keep watching it every hour and get plenty of sleep. And I’ll choose water over full bladder until I may explode.

In short, our plans were a disaster and literally nothing happened like we wanted. I didn’t get to see EXO perform, but I also didn’t have to fight the fangirls which really would have been stressful and I probably would have seen a side of myself that I don’t particularly like.

We DO have a year. We will get to Music Core–but because of our failure, I know what’s wrong with me and I know how to fix it.

Which was what I really needed.


5 responses to “of wanting and needing

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